never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
