You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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