I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
