good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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