Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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