remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
