Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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