I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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