Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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