The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
