what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
