i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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