people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
