So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
