Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
40s are totally the cure
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
