I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
