I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
