i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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