I think im going to throw up on grandma
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
