If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
