You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
