Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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