cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
