I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
