We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
