I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
