I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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