omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
