i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
