If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
