Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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