I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
