Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
