Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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