I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
