I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Congratulations! We have a period
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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