no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
