you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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