I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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