Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
