if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
