Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
