so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
