Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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