and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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