matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
