They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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