you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Randomize
