I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I am midnight drunk by noon
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
