It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
